113 - BEARDO PRESENTS: SFJ CABARET: THE PODCAST!

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo

Haaaaaaappy New Years, my honkies!

In this very special episode, Beardo takes us on a stroll down memory lane, and curates a collection of the best ever SFJ original songs. Remember when Lisa Bleepdo and Kenny Powers were reunited and it felt so good? Beardo remembers. Remember when Doctor Peay (RIP) took to the skies in his world-famous News Scooter (due to budget cuts)? Beardo remembers. Remember when a Chinese Chinaman’s Chinapants got blown off by an exploding tractor tyre? Beardo Remembers.

All that, some KITTARDS, some casual racism and the monkey god Hanuman, on this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast! So stick us in your New Year-holes, my honkies!

112 - A VERY NORTH KOREAN CHRISTMAS

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Meeeeeerry Christmas, my ho ho honkies!

Ever wondered what Christmas is like in the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea?

Of course you have. Well, wonder no more. On this very special festive edition of Sweet Feathery Jesus, we talk, live via satellite, to an undercover correspondent embedded behind the Bamboo Curtain!

But not before we pay a musical tribute to our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Turtleman takes to the snowy skies in his Holiday Copter, Beardo embraces feminism & Booze is poisoned live on the podcast.

Also making our Yuletide gay is our old pal Dicky, who brings us a very special Christmas “Just the Tip”, YouTube sensation Stefano, with a very special erotic Christmas song, and all the bang up to date brussels sprout news you can shake a sleigh bell at.

So pour yourself a disgusting drink you wouldn’t even dream of imbibing for the rest of the year, gather the family around the tree and stick this in ALL your earholes. It’s Christmas! (Special thanks to Sam from the Kimchi Chronicles and Strange Times, who really IS in Korea, you know. Although there’s no way you’d be able to tell from listening to the podcast. We might as well have got Belasco to do one of his funny voices. It would’ve been a lot easier)

(Our favourite actress Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)

111 - ON THE WAGON TRAIN! (I.E. THERE'S NO BOOZE. GET IT?)

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Grab your 20-sided dice, dust off your wizard cloak, and invite your three friends to your mom’s basement, because Belasco, king of the #Belascopaths, is back!

Chuck has still been playing his Solvin’ Crimes* game, and with the help of the best voice actor in SFJ history, he takes us on a thrilling ride through his latest case!

Despite some resistance, Chuck takes up the copter for the News Round, and brings us stories of a gorgeous gator-grappling gal and some handy-capable Chinese Chinapeople. Also, we hear another installment of the Saga of Krystal Keith, to see how he reacts to news of his own death.

All this, and more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, in this very special episode of SFJ.

Special thanks to Shirley Maclaine, who played the role of Gravy Hayes.

*Criminal Case

110 - CRIMINAL CASE - THE PODCAST!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Waaaaaatson up, my honkies???

Strap a deerstalker on your bonce and prepare yourself a nice juicy seven percent solution, it’s time for an all-new, very special, three pipe episode of Sweet Feathery Jesus!

Chuck has a new favorite smartphone-based video game, which apparently involves the widespread application of hand lotion, and criminal suspects of a bizarrely uniform range of heights. Oi Me Colon (Mum, Try Up!) is thankfully no more, but Booze has found a replacement, as SFJ now owns the exclusive audio podcast serialization rights to a brand-new biography of a current, modern-day superstar actress.

Beardo is back, blasting #Belascopaths and bigots on his news didgeridoo. Chuck takes up the newscopter for another suspiciously monkey-free News Round (although, don’t fret, there are Chinese Chinapeople aplenty).

All this, another triumphant return of Dicky’s ‘Just The Tip’, plenty of casual racism and a Stefano mystery for you to solve, on this very special episode of SFJ.

The game is afoot! So stick it in your ear.

(Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)

109 - HALLOWEEN (& GUY FAWKES NIGHT) SPECIAL!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Whaaaaaat’s up, my haunted Halloween honkies?! On this very special spooooky Sweet Feathery Jesus, we have themed the ENTIRE episode in accordance with Halloween and/or Guy Fawkes Night (but not Bunyip Day).

We learn about the history of Booze’s dumb country’s dumb holiday traditions, and why it is absolutely necessary to burn catholics to death. Beardo brings us a very spooooky slice of True Australian History, and Chuck takes up the News Copter to bring us some truly terrifying news stories, except that one of them isn’t terrifying in the slightest.

Booze inflicts a very spooooky episode of Oi Me Colon (‘Mum, Try Up!’) upon his innocent and long-suffering co-hosts, and we check in with Idiot of Facebook Duct Tape Lisa, who is as frightening as ever.

All that, a scantily-clad R&B songstress, some magical Facebook spells, a spooooky song about Turtleman’s haunted audio equipment and the most annoying sound effect ever, on this very special episode. So stick us in your eery holes, and enjoy this horrifying Halloween SFJ special!

(Oh, and if you listen very carefully you may be able to hear the adenoidal snoring of a ghostly hellhound. Which is pretty spooooky.)

108 - SHANGLEFRANGLE! (SCHADENFREUDE!)

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

حالتون چطوره؟ (Haletun chetore), my honkies? That’s the Iranian ChinaLanguage, for all you Anglo-/Euro-/Amerigo-centric monoglots. In this very special episode of SFJ, the S stands for Shanglefrangle, also known as schadenfreude. Without realising it until after the recording, this week the lads indulged in a real ShangleFest of Frangelic proportions. From the transgendered to the transabled, from a comatose Swiss Spaniard to an unfortunate Danish zoo animal, from the city of Iran to the television screens of South ChinaKorea, you’ll laugh until you join us for eternity in Satan’s embrace.

That, a healthy dose of casual racism and over 450 pounds of Friendzone Frank, in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast.

So fire up the Shanglefrangle alarm and stick us in your cotton-filled earholes, my legally blind honkies!

107 - AUSTRALIAN HIJACK!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Hi there friends, it’s me, Beardo. In this very special (and your favourite) episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, the person in control is me, Beardo. That’s right, your favourite Australian/Clevelander, Beardo, has hijacked SFJ. But don’t worry, those other two guys are on it too.

In this episode, we discuss my sweet cephalopodic tattoos, and Booze takes us to the far East, where Chuck and I have to tell the difference between President Obama and his Chinese ChinaLookalike. While in the Asian ChinaRegions, we are also forced to experience another episode of Oi Me Co-Lon by the tyrannical and megalomaniac British member of the SFJ team.

Professor Chuck Turtleman is granted permission to launch his News Copter, and he brings us three stories that all involve dicks in some way, as is his custom.

We also welcome a new bit that has a wonderful jingle, but highly objectionable content, from our correspondent in MassAHHchussettes, Dicky (yes, also phallic).

All this, a lesbian with a strap-on, and a discussion on where to urinate in one’s kitchen, on this very special episode of Sweet Feathery Jesus.

So bang a black billy, stick us in your aural orifices, and listen to the best ever episode of SFJ.

Your friend,

Beardo

106 - WORLD'S BIGGEST DICK!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Tempers fray on the podcast this week, as suspiciously “refreshed” sounding technophobe Chuck Turtleman has trouble (again) with his recording set-up, and Booze and Beardo have to painstakingly talk him through troubleshooting it. Step by step. Over the phone. Between three different continents. For over an hour. Which was a bit like trying to get a chimpanzee to fix Apollo 13.

This tension carries over into the show, and two beloved SFJ segments are abandoned for good.

Chuck takes up the copter (without asking for permission) for the News Round, in which a hippy from Hawaii has bollocks for brains and a dolphin as a midwife, and Beardo’s homeland is sprouting up messiahs left, right and center. We also examine the world’s largest penis, but come to find that the biggest dick on the internet may in fact be one (or all) of us. But don’t worry, this episode has at least one monkey in it, and a healthy dose of casual racism. So wrap your dolphin-proof panties over your 19-inch member, pray to Aussie Jesus(es), and jam us tight into your ear-holes for a very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast!

105 - THE ED FOR PRESIDENT!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaat’s up my honkies? On this fortnightly injection of podcast brilliance right into your main-vein, we finally welcome back recurring guest, reformed bank robber and listener favorite, The Ed!

Move over, Deez Nuts, because The Ed is all fired up, and ready to forge a new government of The Ed, for The Ed, and by The Ed.

Chuck takes the copter up for the News Round, and brings us a story from Belasco’s back yard, about a wizard who is being rather careless with his (or her?) raw meat. Also, this week’s Idiots of Facebook is all about Chuck Turtleman’s favorite “thing” on the internet: Duct Tape Lisa. Grab your socks and prepare for the #Shanglefrangle alert, this one’s a doozy!

All that, a bullied Belascopath, and a thoughtful analysis of the ongoing North/South Korea China-conflict, on this week’s Sweet Feathery Jesus.

So stick us in your aural orifices, and vote The Ed, 2016.

104 - ENGLAND IS RUBBISH

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, me old China plates?

Put another whelk on the Barbie(cue) as our Australian correspondent Beardo returns to insult the country his criminal forefathers were exiled from years ago, for crimes too trivial to bother hanging them for. He starts with a report on England’s lamest sports, most of which seem to have been invented to give the aristocracy an excuse to fondle each other’s bottoms.

There’s more England bashing in the News Round, as Prince Harry saves animals by murdering them, and we find out that Booze is paying to keep a big fat lady in skinny men and Xboxes.  It’s not all route one, lowest common denominator xenophobia, though.  We also give you our review of HBO’s critically unacclaimed Real Detective(s), meet a lady dwarf with an extra appendage, listen to a lovelorn listener’s letter to Chuck Turtleman, and Beardo pays for his absence last week by performing a Feat of Strength. And we’re probably the only podcast you’ll listen to this week that features a flashback within a flashback, followed by a flashback. (That last flashback isn’t within the first flashback, though. That would be confusing.)

So put the saucepan lids to bed, pour yourself a nice warm pint, and stick this in yer bleedin’ ear’ole, my honkies.
Gertcha!

103 - BALDGUST 2 - ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Turtleman

Guess what? Belasco’s Back!

We were let down this week by somebody who shall remain nameless but who is Australian and has a big beard, so we had to ask a real professional to come back from his holidays and help us out.*

Although our host strangely disappears when we welcome back another blast from the past… our agony aunt Bane off of Batman, who drops by to help solve a listener’s love conundrum.

Remember Baldgust? That’s SFJ’s answer to Movember, where instead of getting to grow a cool moustache, you shave your head to look like a victim of male pattern baldness. Well, a cancer charity has stolen our idea, so we’re not going to rest until we’ve sued them for every cent of that juicy cancer money.

Meanwhile, we find out how our woodworking and methamphetamine enthusiast Idiot of Facebook Krystal Keith’s very public romance is getting on, struggle not to make the obvious joke when a lady’s cat gets unfortunately shaved, and find out which Hollywood actor took a small role that ended up being the role of a lifetime.

So stick this in your ear of choice and have a very Happy Baldgust, my honkies!

102 - SOUTHBOUND & DOWN

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Beardo

Whaaaaaat’s up, my cotton pickin’ honkies?

Beardo’s banjo bits are finally appropriate, as we journey down South to check out Chuck Turtleman’s homeland. Join us, dagnabbit, as we delve into the divisive dilemma of the confederate flag, and learn how to drawl like true sons of the South with Steel Magnolias accent coach Professor David Alan Stern.

Along the way, we’ll answer all the big questions. What is the secret meaning behind the numbers on the General Lee? What 1970’s BBC sitcom star flew to Arizona to have sex with a horse? Why did a woman from England wake up talking like a Chinese Chinalady? And how much does it cost to ship 5 T-shirts soaked in urine?

So put on your Daisy Dukes and meet us at the Choke’N’Puke. It’s time to put us in your earholes for a roadtrip down South, y’all.

Yeehaw!

101 - ANGELS IN OUR CLASSROOMS - AN SFJ SPECIAL REPORT

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Beardo

All Banjo Stunts performed by Beardo

In this very special 101st episode of SFJ, we dig deep into the disturbing and worrying issue of student/teacher affairs, and bring you the hard-hitting facts and analysis you’ve come to expect.

Yes, it’s an SFJ Special Report on #Angels in our Classrooms! Professor Turtleman takes up the newscopter, and introduces us to one of the world’s sexiest international monkeys (according to social media users in Japanese Chinaland).

Chuck also calls into question the pretend rapeability of a 43-year-old woman, whose fitness watch torpedoed her titillating tall tale, Beardo is back with his banjo to help Chuck and Booze find love, and we check in with Friendzone Frank, whose reaction to the legalization of gay marriage is typically considered and thoughtful.

All this, plus a dwarf, a kittard, an increasingly naughty shark, and the chance to play along with the brand new game that’s sweeping the nation… Angel Or P(a)edo!

So open your textbooks, take careful notes, and put us in your earholes, my honkies, it’s SFJ 101: Angels in Our Classrooms – an SFJ Special Report!

100 - TAYLOR SWIFT'S ARMPITS

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

Crack open the champagne and festively dye your armpit hair, it’s SFJ 100! Or, 177.

On this special centennial episode, Booze nostalgically remembers the hairy pits of yesteryear’s Europeans, and yearns for a dwarf worthy of his love. We learn the altitude of Chuck Turtleman’s navel, and then visit with Professor David Alan Stern; the accent guru, who teaches us all how to talk like a fair dinkum Aussie.

And the show gets really disruptive when we are forced to examine whether our weekly Franks are bully or cheeky (they’re cheeky). And someone special to us all celebrates father’s day early, and it works out just great.

All this, a monkey named Jesus and so much more… On episode 100 of the SFJ podcast.

So stick us in your ear holes for the 177th time, my honkies.

99 - CHUCK'S INTERNET DATE - LIVE!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

Whaaaaaaaat’s up, my lovebirds?

In this special romance-themed episode, Chuck Turtleman goes on an internet date with an internet lady that he’s never met before, and records it all for your listening pleasure. Seemingly on some equipment that Edison threw out for sounding a bit rubbish.

Booze brings us the tale of a scantily-clad love meltdown in the crazy world of R&B, and we hear about two angels dispensing no-questions-asked guilt free love as we take to the sky for the News Round. One of the angels is very fond of Twister and other… toys.

We all love our Dads, right?* Well, one of our favourite Idiots of Facebook is back, and if you’re stuck thinking of a gift for Father’s Day, you’re in luck. Especially if your Dad likes virtual wine and wicker.

Speaking of Idiots, Frank reaches breaking point and calls the police because somebody photoshops a lampshade on his head.

All this, plus Jesus The Monkey, Beardo on a banjo (I know, I know it’s serious) and a chance to win your very own date with Chuck!

Stick it in your lover’s ear, my honkies.


*Except Joseph Fritzl’s kids. They probably don’t even get him a card.

98 - JESUS THE MONKEY!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

In this international, action-packed episode we have a very special guest from down under, Beardo! 

We start the show off getting the long-awaited global perspective on Korean Chinaleader Kim Jong Il, Jr’s newest execution method.  Professor Chuck Turtleman is Internet dating, and tells us all about his adventures with the fairer sex in Asheville, NC (home of Wackadoo’s comedy club).  Beardo gives us a live reading of his True Stories of Australian History, and it involves sex, animals, and sex with animals -which we learn is a favorite scandal with the Australian people. 

On our News Round, we take to the skies of London, England and Somerville, Massachusetts to discuss tortoise mating behavior and taxi cab crashes.  Our Idiots of Facebook segment has a recurring favorite, and he was on the news!  (and the News Round).  And, we have a heaping helping of Cheeky Franks of the Week this week.

We wrap things up with a discussion of girls on the dating site who have messaged Turtleman who are not girls. He would like to take for ice cream and ask about their day.

So put us in your ears, and get ready to learn, laugh, and maybe even find love.

97 - WHAT'S UP, MY HONKIES

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Belasco

Let’s clear up a bit of listener confusion. Contrary to popular belief, Mr Turtleman is not retiring from the podcast. He’s just being a crazy maverick & refusing to play by the rules like Belasco & Booze & all you other lame-O squares do.

He still brings us the News Round, though. But now he does it whilst chewing bubble gum, turning his hat backwards & wearing blue jeans & white sneakers. This week, we meet a Brazilian bodybuilder who asks “Do you even inject, bro?” & a Canadian Chinaman who likes turtles so much he attaches almost 53 of them to to his legs & under-regions. Or maybe they’re tortoises. Hard to tell.

We continue the tale of our new Idiot of Facebook  Krystal Keith & his completely trustworthy mustachioed lady, Booze goes into battle with an old girlfriend he hasn’t seen for over half of his life & Belasco celebrates Star Track Day.

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Links

96 - LIFE IMPROVING LIFE HACKS

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Belasco

We have good news and bad news. First the bad news: a beloved part of our long-running podcast is retiring as of this show. The decision is final and only an enormous groundswell of positive iTunes reviews and word-of-mouth promotion will change it. The good news: Little Caesar is back and she’s still whining on Facebook. We have all the juicy details.

Also, we’ll hear about a pain-reliever commercial that’s giving Booze a headache. Belasco bemoans the unfairness of every other country in the world getting “Avengers: Age of Ultron” before the United States. Turtleman shares a few life-hacks that may just get you off the couch and living fully once again, but probably not.

Our Idiots of Facebook segment asks the probing questions: Could be that Crystal Keith has finally found love? Does Friendzone Frank finally end the pity-party and take charge of his life? You’ll have to listen. Later, in the News Round, a big-game hunter gets the big brother treatment and Zebras are on the loose again in (where else?) Belgium.

So put your phone on speaker and stick this one in your head, honkies.

Links

95 - LIVE FRINE THE GOLDING NUEGT!

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

In episode #95 we learn the history of Las Vegas’ legendary Golding Nuegt. All the big names played there – Elvis, Ted Nugent, and now SFJ! It’s an honor to be a part of its storied history.

Turtleman’s News Round introduces us to Lee and we hear about his run-in with a home-made tattoo gun.  Spoiler Alert: the tattoo gun wins.  Also not expected to fare well, a Russian man who is allowing his head to be transplanted onto another body.

We’ll visit with Beardo and learn another True Story from Australian History about “the worst thing ever produced.” Several Idiots of Facebook check-in including Blurry Shirley, Lisa <bleep>, and multiple Franks being creepier than a man with a transplanted head.  Also, Belasco mourns over the hardship suffered by a board game cafe and Booze suffers through Superbitch and the Chicken Pox.

So, stick this one in your ears and tip your waitress, honkies!

Links

93 - ANGELO!

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

In our 93rd full installment, we meet hunky beefcake Internet sensation Angelo! He was in Menudeo, but now he’s all grown up and, lucky for us, hasn’t given up his love for music! He’s got the body of the hulk and the voice of Stefano.

Later, we discuss the various classifications of little people, have some R&B news with Booze, discuss Turtleman’s stepmom’s childhood poodle, and Belasco tells us all about Han Solo’s latest plane crash. And, you’ll want to buckle-up because our news copter takes us to exotic places like Rome and Applebee’s.

We have a very special Idiots of Facebook. Remember the hunky beefcake Angelo? Well, he has very interesting fans on Facebook. And, wow, are they idiots! As usual, we go to their pages and read their comments and dissect their lives for your listening pleasure.

Dim the lights, pour some vodka in the poodle’s bowl, and put us in your earholes, my honkies!

Links