129 - JOHN DANIEL WAS A GOOD MONKEY

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

… But was he the best monkey ever?

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special return to podcasting podcast, we get right back to the Sweet feathery Jesus basics. Monkeys & the people of the Chinese China-regions!

John Daniel was a gorilla from Gabon who left his African troubles behind and came to live in England during the glorious reign of Queen Victoria. What a lucky monkey! He drank hard cider, went to posh dinner parties and really really liked watching those guys that fix shoes. Cobblers? No… it’s all true, I tell ya!

We also examine the media’s obsession with attractive young lady teachers who seduce their pupils (that’s right… the MEDIA’S obsession with that. Not ours), and Chuck Turtleman takes to the virtual skies to report on two very different sets of fathers and sons. One family share their collection of China China sex dolls. The other manages to have a violent fight over an onion (some say layer fruit).

Oh, and this podcast also features REAL MERMAIDS!

So lube up your legs, pull on your $3,500 fish tail and stick us in your Victorian ear trumpet!

128 - PUPPY LOVE

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we put the monkeys to one side for a while and concentrate on our canine chums. Yes, this episode features not one, but TWO news stories about dogs! Well, one dog, and a lady who pretends to be one for the purposes of her public loveplay. As feminists, we support her right to do whatever she wants, the silly cow.

Also, we ask all the big questions. What ladies magazine features killer moths this month? What household appliance should you never hide your next door neighbo(u)r’s hair manipulation device in? And is Ali Bongo the only African leader named after a British magician popular in the last century, or is Paul Daniels now the president of Equatorial Guinea?

All this, a top of the range 8GB Chinese China Translation Machine, Rita Ora, and the most romantic board game related marriage proposal you’ll have heard so far this year.

So, woof woof, woof woof, woof!*

*(stick us in your ears!) 

127 - CHRISTMAS EVE CHINESE!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my ho ho honkies? In this very special Christmas and New Year Special, we find a slightly refreshed Chuck Turtleman in the middle of celebrating some BIG NEWS. Let’s just say that sleigh bells aren’t the only bells that feature on this podcast!

We put our feminist (Christmas) hats on to review the Bumper festive issues of some ladies periodicals and look at the yuletide video from R&B songstress Rita Ora, who is even more scantily clad than usual. And so empowered her top has fallen off.

Chuck takes up his reindeer-powered, holly-bedecked news copter, the boys pay their traditional musical tribute to Friendzone Frank with an old fashioned singalong to a Christmas classic (in which Turtleman inexplicably turns into a pirate), and we ask the big Xmas question… Is it ever okay to glue bees to the Baby Jesus?

All that, Dickie’s Christmas poem, Xmas Pants News, a Sprout Update, and a couple of numbers from YouTube sensation and Malcolm Gladwell disprover Stefano (“Stefano!”) in this all singing, all dancing, all hissing Christmas special!

It’s the most wonderful time of the ear. So stick us in yours!

126 - THE NAUGHTIEST LEADER

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies? In this very special episode, the fellows from your computer/smart phone/ tablet-shaped information device/ fridge delve into the recent democratic disarray.

In this auditory extravaganza, you’ll be pleased to hear that Chuck Turtleman has finally solved the problem of the hiss emanating from his 19th-century podcasting set-up, by drowning it out with an even louder annoying buzz. As well as a great deal of background canine cacophony, and North Carolina’s loudest fish tank.

The gentlemen get discursive about tiresome podcast sound effects, the inflatable multi-octave R&B songstress, Mariah Carey (who almost married the owner of the tiny island of Australia), and Booze insults our brave Paralympians by confusing them with our brave Specialympians. Or Exceptiolympians, or whatever we’re supposed to call them now.

All that, Pants News, Idiots of Twitter, and lots of amazing alliteration (and awesome assonance), in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your ear-holes, you lazy asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,* and leave us a rating and review on iTunes.

P.s., Beardo may have had a few daytime beverages throughout the course of this recording, and, as a result, he’s even more passionate than ever (particularly towards the end of this episode).

*Beardo wrote something very rude here, but Booze edited it out. He’s a professional.

125 - THE 2016 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies? The boys are back in town, and one of them has managed to convince someone to marry him. Spoiler alert: it’s neither Chuck nor Beardo. Also, this is our very special halloween special, but somehow, no-one remembered to include any halloweeny content, or mention halloween in any way, shape or form. Instead, Chuck and Booze reminisce fondly about Booze’s sham of a wedding, and the first time that they have ever locked (bog)eyes in real life. The gentlemen compete as to their proficiency on wind instruments (that’s not a euphemism), and also discuss some Pants News (because “pants seldom let you down when you need ‘em”). What else? Oh, just psychotic China Leaders, smoking monkeys & some Idiots of Social Networking. You know. The usual.

So don’t be a massive “silly billy”*. Stop complaining, you dirty little fart-sniffer. It’s SFJ, and it’s back, bitches. 

So turn all the lights off, pull the curtains, and eat all the fun-sized Mars bars yourself while you stick us in your ears. Happy Halloween, my honkies!

 

*Beardo wrote ‘cunt’ here, but Booze changed it to ‘silly billy’.

124 - SEASON 2 FINALE - CONSPIRACIES! (AND MONKEYS)

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies?! This week we have conspired to bring you a very, very special episode of SFJ… it’s our Season 2 finale (some say finalé)!

This episode is all about conspiracies, or, in the words of Winston Churchill, “a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, inside a monkey”.

As we all know, 9/11 was an inside job, and we get the inside scoop on how it was (probably) all planned out. Chuck is curious about children’s clothing, Beardo brings us an episode from his critically acclaimed Beardo’s True Conspiracies from Australian History, and Booze surprises us with a secret quiz!

So stick us in your mystery holes, my honkies, and enjoy this very special Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast!

Post scriptum:

We’re taking a brief hiatus over the summer. But don’t worry, Professor Chuck Turtleman will soon be launching a brand new (and very special) Idiots of Facebook Podcast, which will begin by featuring the best of our favourite Idiots, such as Duct Tape Lisa and Friend Zone Frank (yaaaay!). 
Post Post scriptum:

Keep up with all the Summer fun by joining the Sweet Feathery Jesus gang in the very special secret closed Facebook (letters FB) group. Our dedicated team of archivists post all the action from our favourite Idiots, plus all the monkey and Chinese Chinapeople stories that cross the news wires. Befriend Beardo Bearington, send him a message, and he’ll let you enter his portal.

123 - WE ARE ALL WINNERS!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this moderately special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, we finally hire a young Chinese China Engineer kid off of Craiglist (some say Creggslist) to sort out Chuck Turtleman’s sound. He couldn’t get rid of the hiss, but blimey, he works cheap.

Booze is horrified by his old school’s new motto, Beardo speaks some posh Latin, and Chuck uses his famous felon judging skills on the exciting new gameshow… What Did The Naughty Man Do?

All this, some Chinese Chinapeople getting scammed by fake jellyfish, some 1950’s French people getting punk’d by the CIA, and Frank leaving his apartment to visit the big city. Which does not go well.

So stick us in your ear, my special little snowflake.

122 - THE ITALIAN-OFF!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Long time listeners will know that a certain member of the Sweet Feathery Jesus cast has always had a fraught relationship with technology. Won’t say which, but his name rhymes with “Buck Burtleman”.

Long story short, something went wrong with the recording on “Buck”’s end, meaning that we had to use our back­up Skype recording. Thanks to Skype being a bit rubbish, Booze sounded like he was shouting through a megaphone, Beardo seemed to be whispering from the West Wing of his mansion, & Turtleman was obscured by a wall of hiss (no change there, then.)

We had to remix it with brute force just so we were all audible, meaning it ended up sounding like it’d been dredged up after 40 years on the bottom of the ocean, transferred onto a wax cylinder, smashed into a thousand pieces, sellotaped back together, then played back through a pair of Beats headphones.

Never mind, though. On this very special, very terrible sounding SFJ podcast, you will (sort of) hear us go head to head (to head) to find out who can do the most perfect Italian accent, meet a Tiger Whisperer who should’ve spoken up a bit, and discover which country has the worst Netflix choices in the whole world. And no toilet paper.

Also, our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank, finally gets his big break in Hollywood! But can’t be bothered to turn up.

So stick us in your ear, my nipples. Just pretend it’s a bootleg or something.

121 - CURSE OF THE WEREPANTHER!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Beware the moon, my honkies!

On this really rather special episode of the SFJ podcast, we travel to deepest darkest Worcestershire in search of the mythical badly drawn werepanther / bin bag that stalks the land and haunts the dreams of children. And also because we really want to hear Chuck Turtleman try to pronounce “Worcestershire”.

Beardo is back from getting married (sorry, ladies and hunky beefcakes), and we find out all about the poshest Australian wedding of the century in  a very very in-depth SFJ Special Report. Concentrating mainly on his trousers.

We also make a record breaking attempt to decipher the badly spelled, chemical enhanced status updates of not one, not two, but THREE Idiots of Facebook on one podcast. They said it couldn’t be done!

All this, and Booze doing a Scotch accent that will, quite frankly, knock your socks off and make them fly across the room. Eat your heart out, Mel Gibbons.

So stick us in your ear, stick to the roads, and keep off the moors.

*This podcast is not available in the North Carolina branch of iTunes

120 - PANTS NEWS!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extremely special episode of the SFJ podcast, Chuck Turtleman brings us his exciting new segment… Pants News!

Now, calm down, non-American ladies and hunky beefcakes. Chuck is talking about trousers, not knickers. And also,what he actually brings us is facts about pants, not news. So this segment, and this entire podcast, should really be called Pants Facts! But he’s made a jingle now.

Meanwhile, Idiot of Facebook Frank is earning his title by loudly proclaiming that he’s trimming his Friends list. Oh no! Will SFJ make the cut? Frank has also joined some (free) dating websites. It would be a shame if some unscrupulous person who may or may not be a Sweet Feathery Jesus listener found his dating profile.

Oh, and Frank is definitely NOT gay. Got it?

All this, and an answer to the big questions. Is dumpy despot Kim Jong-Il Jr really DTF in the Grand Poonyang Hotel? And do you still have to dismantle your white male privilege if you were one of those kids born without a nose?

So stick us in your ear and don’t forget to hit us up on Yik-Yak, Friend-O or Squiddly Diddly.

#1969not1836

119 - BATH TIME FOR BILLY

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this very special episode of the SFJ podcast, we catch up with Idiot of Facebook Lisa Br(BEEEP)do. Lisa claims to be the daughter of famous Godfather actor Marlon Br(BEEEP)do, and has taken his surname, but to protect her anonymity, we never reveal it on the podcast.

Lisa is now an artist, creating wonderful works in many mediums, most of which seem to appear when you do a reverse DuckDuckGo image search, for some reason. Now Lisa has been approached by a VERY famous auction house and is selling some of her pieces. It’s all very exciting. Especially for her boyfriend Billy, who sure does love her, according to his Facebook account. Which may or may not be maintained exclusively by Lisa. (It is).

We investigate whether badly-spelled pop star Zayn Malik’s crippling pickled egg addiction was the real reason for his split from The One Direction, wonder how many Chinese China strippers we’d need to hire to get anyone to turn up to our funerals, and try to locate Kim Jong Il Jr’s missing submarine before nanny gives him his bath.

All this, and an SFJ Special Report into whether the monkeys of the Republic of the Republic of Guinea really believe in God, & why they’d think he’s such a fan of rudimentary masonry work.

So run yourself a nice deep bath, have a loved one bring you a big plate of chicken wings but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT stick us in your ear.
Please make sure your podcast delivery device of choice is placed a safe distance away from the bathtub. You don’t want to tempt fate.

118 - FRANK'S UNDERWATER LOVE LETTER

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extra-special episode of the SFJ podcast, we see a new side of our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Frank. And, as we’ve seen his penis, we didn’t think there were many new sides left to see. Frank reveals a love letter he received about a decade ago, from a lady who may or may not have been a mermaid. With a very low megapixel cameraphone.

Oh, & our other favourite Idiot Lisa sings us a beautiful song, after which all her celebrity friends line up to tell her how great it was.

Beardo is back to tell us what happened on his in-no-way-highly-suspicious-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that-anyway all-male super fun weekend. Are these tame anecdotes REALLY the best things that happened in the whole 72 hours? Or does what happened in the YMCA, STAY in the YMCA?

All this, tougher sentences for children, a fish that STILL isn’t biting gentlemens’ bits and bobs, and in-depth coverage of one of Jennifer Lopez’s testicles.

So pull on your internet wetsuit, spit in your mask and stick us in your snorkel.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

117 - MIDDLE SPREAD MOMS!

Featuring: Booze and Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this very special episode of the SFJ podcast, we’re a man down.  It seems Beardo has gone away for an in no way highly suspicious males only weekend on which no women were allowed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Here at Sweet Feathery Jesus, we celebrate alternative lifestyles.

This leaves Booze and Turtleman to discuss a super food diet that doesn’t seem to include any actual food, a mother of six who thinks she looks exactly like her sexy (her words, not ours) 14 year old daughter, a superhero dressed as a Baked Bean, and Marlee Matlin taking time out from the Super Bowl halftime show to like one of Booze’s tweets.

Oh, and we revisit the time that everyone’s favorite Idiot of Facebook, Friend Zone Frank! (yay) was actually ON THE PODCAST!

So open up a can of legumes in tomato sauce, pop on your leather cap & stick us in the front basket of your Rascal scooter. 
Let’s boogie!

116 - KIMLY CHAOS

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

What’s that sound, you ask? Why, that’s the New Idiot Alarm! That’s right. On this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we introduce you to our brand new Idiot of Facebook… Kimly Chaos!*

Kimly is a very special lady, who loves her kids, presumably thinks cancer is bad, and enjoys getting engaged on an almost daily basis to internet gentlemen she entices with a blurry photograph of her “clevage”.

Sadly and bafflingly, these relationships rarely seem to end on good terms, resulting in some very public arguments, death threats, pictures of weaponry and poorly spelled quotes from the bible.

The First World War was a terrible thing too, I’m sure we all agree. It did, however, lead to the birth of plastic surgery. I’m sure that if he were still with us, pioneering surgeon Sir Harold Gillies would look up from repairing the blown apart, caved-in face of a brave serviceman, and wipe away a tear of pride when he saw how his fledgling techniques eventually led to young stripper Kayla Morris being transformed from a normal looking girl into a cross between a barrage balloon and an upside down mandrill.

Meanwhile, Beardo gets flummoxed, Turtleman solves some more crimes, Booze impersonates a vicar and someone’s mum has hands like an alien.

So saddle up your lovely horse and stick us in your ears. It’s gonna be a wild ride!
*Special thanks to listener Tommy for discovering Kimly.

115 - THE HAPPY NEW CHINESE CHINAYEAR OF THE CHINESE CHINAMONKEY

Featuring: Booze (rat), Chuck Turtleman (cock), and Beardo (ox)

新年快乐, my honkies! That’s right, the Happy New ChinaYear is upon us, and this time around, for the first time in the history of the SFJ podcast, it’s the Happy New Chinese Year of the Chinese Chinamonkey! In keeping with this extremely auspicious occasion, we bring you this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, which is focused on all things Chinesey and monkeyish.

In retaliation for the travesty that was Tiptoes, Booze and Beardo make Chuck Turtleman and his Internet Lady watch a beloved TV Japanese Chinashow from their youth, called “Monkey!”, This show never aired in the US, and so Chuck was totally unaware of its very existence. Until now! It features Japanese Chinapeople depicting Chinese Chinapeople, overdubbed by British people doing a hilariously racist Chinese China-accent. Don’t worry, there’s also plenty of gleeful violence and attempted rape (it is a kids’ show, after all!).

Professor Chuck Turtleman takes up the Chinese monkey copter, and brings us a veritable Chinese buffet of stories from the Chinese Chinaregions. We also feature one of the best Idiots of Facebook segments ever, when some of Friendzone Frank’s “Bellas” turn on him in a cruel twist of fate that he totally did not bring upon himself by his own repeatedly stupid actions.

All this, more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, and the very special return of a fan-favourite former SFJ segment after a two-year hiatus, on this very special episode of SFJ!

So drill some ear holes in your lampshade-shaped monkey-sized Chinahat, and stick us right in there, nice and deep!

(Special thanks to Gravy!)

114 - A VERY SPECIAL DWARF SPECIAL

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, ChuckTurtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my diminutive honkies? On this, very special little episode, we dissect the 2003 dwarf film, Tiptoes, starring Matthew Mahogany and Gary Old Man. Is this straight-to-DVD movie a stunning tour-de-force of cinematic brilliance, or a steaming abortion of a film? The answer probably won’t surprise you.

Professor Turtleman takes up his miniature news copter and brings us four not-so-tall tales, all of which feature humans of less than regular stature. Having found a dwarf for Booze on a previous episode, we check in with Jemma Suicide and see what she’s up to (or down for, as it were). Finally, to break with the theme, we check in with our not-so-little Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank!

All that, a dwarf sex criminal, the Islamic State, and at least one mention of a monkey, in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your tiny little earholes, my honkies!

113 - BEARDO PRESENTS: SFJ CABARET: THE PODCAST!

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo

Haaaaaaappy New Years, my honkies!

In this very special episode, Beardo takes us on a stroll down memory lane, and curates a collection of the best ever SFJ original songs. Remember when Lisa Bleepdo and Kenny Powers were reunited and it felt so good? Beardo remembers. Remember when Doctor Peay (RIP) took to the skies in his world-famous News Scooter (due to budget cuts)? Beardo remembers. Remember when a Chinese Chinaman’s Chinapants got blown off by an exploding tractor tyre? Beardo Remembers.

All that, some KITTARDS, some casual racism and the monkey god Hanuman, on this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast! So stick us in your New Year-holes, my honkies!

112 - A VERY NORTH KOREAN CHRISTMAS

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Meeeeeerry Christmas, my ho ho honkies!

Ever wondered what Christmas is like in the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea?

Of course you have. Well, wonder no more. On this very special festive edition of Sweet Feathery Jesus, we talk, live via satellite, to an undercover correspondent embedded behind the Bamboo Curtain!

But not before we pay a musical tribute to our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Turtleman takes to the snowy skies in his Holiday Copter, Beardo embraces feminism & Booze is poisoned live on the podcast.

Also making our Yuletide gay is our old pal Dicky, who brings us a very special Christmas “Just the Tip”, YouTube sensation Stefano, with a very special erotic Christmas song, and all the bang up to date brussels sprout news you can shake a sleigh bell at.

So pour yourself a disgusting drink you wouldn’t even dream of imbibing for the rest of the year, gather the family around the tree and stick this in ALL your earholes. It’s Christmas! (Special thanks to Sam from the Kimchi Chronicles and Strange Times, who really IS in Korea, you know. Although there’s no way you’d be able to tell from listening to the podcast. We might as well have got Belasco to do one of his funny voices. It would’ve been a lot easier)

(Our favourite actress Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)

111 - ON THE WAGON TRAIN! (I.E. THERE'S NO BOOZE. GET IT?)

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Grab your 20-sided dice, dust off your wizard cloak, and invite your three friends to your mom’s basement, because Belasco, king of the #Belascopaths, is back!

Chuck has still been playing his Solvin’ Crimes* game, and with the help of the best voice actor in SFJ history, he takes us on a thrilling ride through his latest case!

Despite some resistance, Chuck takes up the copter for the News Round, and brings us stories of a gorgeous gator-grappling gal and some handy-capable Chinese Chinapeople. Also, we hear another installment of the Saga of Krystal Keith, to see how he reacts to news of his own death.

All this, and more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, in this very special episode of SFJ.

Special thanks to Shirley Maclaine, who played the role of Gravy Hayes.

*Criminal Case